21st July 2018
Established 1872. Online since 1996.

Tochts fae Tushie Truncherfaece

Santie’s elves on secret Shetland mini-break

Wid you believe it? Santie’s elves hiv been in Shetland dis mont, a top secret veesit. Whit a sook in I got when dey turned up lippenin tay.

At first I tocht I wis in for anidder inspection. Mind hoo last year Santie employed me as a Rural Ootreach Worker? He wis keepin in line wi Equal Opportunity legislation and he employed aa kinds o peerie fokk fae fairies tae pixies an trows.

Last year twa o da maist senior elves, Alabaster Snowball an Shinny Upatree, cam tae inspect my book o bairns’ behaviour. Afore Christmas I keep an eye on aa da bairns in Shetland. I keep notes on wha needs twartree extra peerie treats for being guid an wha deserves a neep in dir sock.

I wis neebin aside da fire when I heard da tinkle o peerie bells abune wis. I raised tae investigate an dere he wis.

“Greetings, Mr. Truncherfaece,” beamed Alabaster Snowball, my head o depairtment. “Don’t look so shocked, my friend. We’re here purely on a social call,” he smeeged, haddin oot his hand tae shaak my claa. Ahint him stood tree elves aa riggit in green and red claes.

“I . . . in you aa come,” I stuttered. “Meenie will be blyde tae see you.”

Meenie’s faece wis a pictir when Alabaster Snowball an his freends stood afore da fire.
“Greetings, Mrs. Truncherfaece,” he said. “It hardly seems a year since Shinny Upatree and I visited your lovely home.”

“Weel, trowie time does flee,” replied Meenie wi her sheeks sheenin laek rosy aipples.
“Whit brings you tae Shetland agaen?” I dared tae ax.

“As a reward for centuries of hard work Santa wanted to send some of his most senior elves on a mini break before the December rush,” said Alabaster. “When he heard Shetland had been named as one of the top 10 regions in the world to visit he thought there would be no better place!”

“A wise choice,” I said reckin da kettle aff o da hook abune da fire. “We’d better git a cup o tay on da go!”

For a mercy Meenie hed baked twartree bannocks dat very moarnin and we clined dem wi some o her splendid rhubarb jam. Ower a cup o tay Alabaster introduced wis tae his tree freends.

First dere wis Pepper Minstix, guard o da secret o whaar Santie bides. He wis a quick peerie elf wi sharp een dat wid miss naethin. He hed a roog o gold keys hingin fae his belt.

Meenie an Sugar Plum Mary got on laek a hoose on fire. She wis a stoot peerie elf riggit in a boannie red frock wi a perfect white peenie. She telt wis aa aboot hoo she wis head o sweetie production. She yappit aboot da millions o chocolate Santies she hed med an wis keen tae hae a peerie taste o Meenie’s tablet.

Finally we were introduced tae Wunorse Openslae, designer o Santie’s sleigh an reindeer keeper. He wis da quietest o da bunch but clearly wi a wise head on his shooders.

“Designin Santie’s sleigh most hiv been a challenge?” I axed wi admiration.

“Somewhat,” said Wunorse. “Maintaining a sleigh that is centuries old is often more of a challenge.”

We hed a splendid yarn wi dem, dey wid hiv sitten for iver sae lang. We heard aa aboot dis year’s maist popular toys an hoo Rudolf’s nose wis even redder eenoo as he’s dozed wi da cowld.

“Well, as much as we’d like to sit here all night chatting, we’d better move on,” said Alabaster. “Before we go I have a little present from Santa for you, Tushie.”

“For me! I tocht he joost gied tae bairns,” I said.

Alabaster handed me da hansel an I rived hit open. I couldna believe hit. A red velvet two piece suit wi white furry trim, pointit green shoes an a silly green hat! Dere wis even a peerie hole in da backside o da breeks for my tail tae hing oot.

“It has been made especially for you,” beamed Alabaster.

“P . . . pass on my thanks tae Santie.” I stuttered in disbelief. “I look forward tae gettin riggit up tae kerry oot my duties as a Rural Ootreach Worker.”

“Christmas greetings to you all!” shouted Alabaster as he and his friends left.

“Dey needna tink A’m riggin up laek ony silly Christmas elf!” I said baalin my rigoot tae da flör.

I hoop Santie brings you whit you want!

Tushie Truncherfaece xx