Recently it was döppeleganger week on Facebook: you replaced your profile picture (some very flattering photograph of yourself in a nice frock at someone’s wedding) with a picture of someone you’ve been told you look like. This could be anything from George Cloony to Alex Salmond depending on who told you and why. Most people went with the self-deprecating and it was all a good laugh.

I dunna ken whit grippit Meenie. She fell mad tae celebrate Chinese New Year. Hiv you heard da laek? I tocht she’d hiv hed enoch hilarity wi wir ain Yule Festivals.
She startit wi an early spring clean. “Chinese traditions irna dat different fae wir ain,” she telt me. “Dey believe in sweepin awa ill luck an makin wye for guid luck.”
Dat took my interest, I niver lippened Chinese traditions tae be onything laek wir ain.

My wife and I have just returned from a month in Glasgow accompanied by our beautiful new wee baby, initiating the poor little thing into Shetland life with the full blown Northlink experience at the tender age of two weeks. Well it’s important to get them immune to horrific things while they are young.

We chose to go all the way down there as my wife’s due date was at the beginning of January – right in the middle of the ferry cancelling season – and with us living on Unst we were advised to bide in at the Gilbert Bain in Lerwick throughout the Christmas and New Year period. No disrespect to Lerwegians but we thought that a clinical hospital annex wouldn’t be the cosiest place to relax with the mulled wine and advocat.

Whit do you mak o beards? Dey ir aawye eenoo in aa shapes an sizes. Some hae joost a peerie sproot fae dir chin. Idders hae a straggly effort you want tae tak da sheers tae. Da bearded champions hae a tick bush dey peek oot fae ahint. An hit is usually fluffy an waftin o shampoo. Is dat really laek a Viking?

As I write this in mid December it is around about that time when tabloid newspapers start to bang on about Christmas Scrooges: offices that ban decorations because of health and safety, city councils who won’t put up Christmas lights in case it offends other religions (they mean Muslims) and schools who cancel the nativity for the same reason.

Recently I enjoyed the glitter and magic of the Clickimin Christmas Craft Fair. My wife, in her capacity as a jeweller and silversmith, set up her silver at a stall between some beautiful photographs of Shetlands wild flowers and a collection of gorgeous woven textiles. (Textiles? In Shetland? Could happen.)

My wife and I are about to enter our second Shetlandic winter. When we arrived to live and work in Shetland last summer, we were informed “If du can stand two winters, du’ll be fine.” Well, I say informed; we were more instructed. This is an aspect of the Shetland psyche I have come to admire in a curious way – a straightforwardness mixed in with a laid-back attitude.

Me an my Meenie differ in opinion ower Guy Fawkes Nicht. I canna wait for da 5th o November, an Meenie canna wait for hit tae be ower wi. Hit’s da fireworks: I love dem an Meenie is fairt.

Aabody’s been spaekin aboot da Gunnister Man. Dere’s been nae end tae da spaekalation. Wha wis he? Whit wye did he dee? An why wis he buried in a paet bog?

Weel, I hae da answers. He wis taen bi da trows. An afore you gaff, I hae evidence tae back up my claims. I ken whit he wis daein when he deed, hoo he deed an wha buried him. So read on.

Celebrities aa git a brak fae dir wark sometime ower da summer. An mine wis lang owerdue. So I wis da blyde tae fin a younger, mair talented an better laek writer tae tak ower fae me dis mont. I fen her at da Waas Show.An wid you believe, she’s human!

A fish farm worker who assaulted his daughter and threatened to kill a man as he battered him with a hockey stick managed to avoid jail at Lerwick Sheriff Court this week.

Jonathan Wills has accused the five people who referred him to the Standards Commission for an alleged breach of the councillors’ Code of Conduct of spending more than £3,000 of public money on preparing the complaint without the authority of the council.

An elderly woman in Lerwick thought that the stranger who appeared in her house on Monday was her new home help.