Whaar we bide used tae be a fine plaece. A peerie howe under a quiet peerie knowe on da hill. Weel, no ony mair, we hae new neebours. As weel as bein noisy dey threaten wis wi violence regularly. Dey’ve even teckled wis! Wha wid dae sicca thing tae trows? Scories, dat’s wha.

I have found myself having to steal a quick half hour here and there during a busy schedule to get on with writing this article. On Friday I played snare drum in a samba band on the back of a World Cup float in a carnival. On Saturday I not only hosted a concert but played bass for a vocal group performing there, not to mention singing Corries’ songs with a male voice choir.

Wir been grippit by a terrible feerie dis mont, da laek o wir niver kent. First da bairns fell ill, den me an Meenie. A’m niver felt dis pr aamos afore.

I recently took the long road from Unst to sample the Flavour of Shetland festival at the pier in Lerwick. It turns out the flavour of Shetland is paella and strawberry waffles (not in the same dish). That and Chinese food seemed to be the most popular dishes on offer. There was a little bit of Shetlandic fare there in the form of a bannock-making exercise and one local butcher, but apart from that not much else of a Nordic hue.

There seems to be a bit of an ‘80s revival going on right now. Bands like Franz Ferdinand are tapping into early eighties trebly guitars, blipping Casios and prosaic lyrics to produce perfect pop parfaits. Most big cities in the UK sport some kind of Reflex ‘80s Retro bar full of hen nights and works dos slouching away to ABC and Spandau Ballet. All over TV there are documentaries about the music, the clothes, the sexual politics and the hair. In fact BBC Four could do six weeks of documentary series just about the hair. The windows of Topman and other high street stores are displaying mannequins wearing a mish-mash of random bits of clothing pilfered from various fashion movements with no cultural grammar whatsoever – total ‘80s. Even the new Doctor Who companion Amy Pond is partial to the odd bright orange Benetton sweater.

I niver tocht dis Hamefarin wid come wi wird o a freend I lost contact wi twa hunder year ago. Jeemie wis wan o my few human freends. As a bairn I wis ey weel warned tae bide clear o dem. So wir freendship wis a weel kept secret.

Da year wis 1803, an aabody faered da sight o a press gang ship. Da press gang forced young men tae join da Royal Navy. Dey wid raid hooses tae fin strong, fit men tae help da Navy fecht Napoleon. Maist wir niver seen agaen.

When I was young it was simple. Working people voted Labour, posh folk and farmers voted Conservative, “teuchters” voted Liberal and a collection of various academics, bohemians and lunatics voted for the Nats. There were a few commies dotted around and the odd independent, but that was it. Simple.

Hit wis da sam da last time yon volcano gied aff. I got da blame for da smell. I wis joost a peerie trow playin on da hill in 1821 when my midder accused me.

“Tushie, is yon dee? I should niver hiv let dee aet aa yon kale dastreen,” she said waftin a claa afore her snirled up nose.

With all the talking points of contemporary Shetland life, whether it be the debates on wind farms, the blue print for education and Dave Clark, or the arrival of Tesco, Mareel and Simon King, the most significant thing to happen to Shetland since Sullom Voe was built has gone unnoticed: Sumburgh Airport now has a cappuccino machine! Yes, I know that’s a typical metrocentric incomer attitude to have but for us ex-city kids the cappuccino is our reestit mutton bannock.

A voar highlight is frogs gadderin in da loch tae laeve dir spawn. For me hit’s a novelty, dey wir niver dere when I wis a young trow. Frogs hiv been in Shetland for little ower a hunder year. Dat’s why we’ve nae Shetland name for dem.

A former Lerwick optician is suing his estranged wife and erstwhile business partner for more than £800,000, claiming that her actions after they went their separate ways six years ago effectively left him out of work.

New SIC chief executive Alistair Buchan came face to face with all councillors this week for the first time since taking up the post for what he described as “very positive” initial discussions about how to react to major criticisms in the Accounts Commission’s recent report on the local authority.

Multiple Grammy winner Steve Earle, the outspoken singer-song­writer responsible for a host of classic Americana songs including Copperhead Road, Guitar Town and Galway Girl, will be stopping off in Lerwick next Thursday for a re-arranged show at Clickimin.