Kids’ stuff: Tochts fae Tushie Truncherfaece

A skoit trowe da shops

Dis internet shoppin has fairly grippit da trowie community. Wir bairns wid shop on ivery nicht geen da chance. Twartree clicks an anidder parcel is headin wir wye. Hit laekly suits wis fine as we can keep clear o human fokk.

But hit’s no for me. I laek tae geng intae a shop an grip whit A’m gaein tae buy wi my ain claas. So wi Meenie’s birthday no far aff, I headed in ower tae Commercial Street.

Noo, hit sets Meenie clean high when she learns A’m been among humans. So tae aese her shargs I widna be lang. I wid hae a skoit trowe my favourite shops; da eens wi da dialect names.

So my first veesit wis The Hansel. Meaning “da present” hit wis da obvious choice. An whit a gadderie o hansels. Picters, ornaments, dyshes, claes, dyshtooels, bags . . . whit wid I pick? Dere wis a boannie hen ornament dat took my ee. But scale is an issue when shoppin for a trow. As boannie as dis hen wis, he wis da size o mesel an wid tak up a braa bit o room. So I haaled myself up tae see da lowest row o birthday cairds an pickit oot a yallow flooery een wi a grain o glitter ower hit. At least hit wis a start . . .

Nixt I nippit doon ontae da Esplanade an intae da Peerie Shop. “Peerie” is a splendid wird, mebbe een o wir maist used eens. You laekly aa ken some een fae elsewhaar dat says “peerie”. Hit’s an infectious wird. Noo, I wis hoopful da Peerie Shop wid cater for peerie fokk. I hed a hock aroond an fen dat mony unusual things. I cam across a peerie t-shirt dat wid fit Meenie splendid. Hit even hed “peerie wife” spraaled ower hit. I nearly pairted wi my money, den tocht dat Meenie’s no really a t-shirt kind o wife. She wid laekly prefer a peenie. Best look somewye idder.

In a scrit, I shot up da closs an intae Klaize. A slick an cool spellin o da wird “claes”. But Meenie is neider slick nor cool, bliss her. Hipster jeans, miniskirts an peerie strappy taps wi sequins isna for my Meenie. An dey didna sell peenies.

As I left, my mind turned tae my stamach. I wis black fantin. I headed alang da street bypassin a sign axin “Has du hed dy poo da day?” Da less said o dat da better.

Da smell o bacon rolls waftin oot o Faerdie Maet med my mooth waater. “Faerdie maet” is food for a journey, an boy, wis I on wan. I glippit my bacon roll as I headed up Mounthooly Street an ontae da Hillhead.

Kubby Hol is a new shop, an goin bi hit’s name, I lippened hit tae be peerie an crubbit. I wis wrang. Whit a fine airy an bricht shop wi dat mony boannie things. Up tae da meenit Shetlan goods alangside designer fashion an smelly gaer. I hed a skeet o a grain o scent an tried on a scarf med o bricht pink Shetlan oo. I wis prinkin afore a muckle mirror when I got a grip o myself. Whit if onybody saa me? I buckled da scarf back up on da press an shot oot da door.

Aa whit I hed wis a caird an ony wan shop left tae veesit. Da pressure wis on as I traipsed oot ower tae da Toll Clock an intae Dis an Dat. Weel named, we a bit o aathing dat might tak your fancy. Wid Meenie mebbe laek some o da potions or ointment dey hed? Or mebbe a smelly candle? I wis draan tae whit lookit laek a muckle haily puckle wrappit in sheeny paeper.

“Bath Bomb” hit said, “Relax in the scent of a summer breeze.” Meenie wid be blyde o dis. She laeks tae lie in da bath. An she laeks naethin better dan da waft o claes blaain on da line on a fine day. Mebbe when she’s feenished A’ll get a basin o da waater tae dook my sair taeclaas in eftir aa dis shoppin!

Your shopper freend,

Tushie Truncherfaece


Get Latest News in Your Inbox

Join the The Shetland Times mailing list to get one daily email update at midday on what's happening in Shetland.