15th November 2018
Established 1872. Online since 1996.

Tochts fae Tushie Truncherface

Announcin Truncherfaece twins

Whit excitement for da Truncherfaece faimily dis mont. As da newboarn lambs spring aboot trowe da hills wir been celebratin da arrival o twa peerie trows. But dis time A’m  blyde tae be an uncle an no a faider.

Can you mind wir big faimily weddin last Aagust? Wir Taedir married Olina Terrie Mittens. An noo dey’ve been blissed wi twins, a common trait in trows. Da bairns canna wait tae meet dir new peerie cousins; a boy an a lass.

Afore we set aff tae see dem Meenie hed a quiet wird wi me. “Does du tink we should warn da bairns tae hadd dir tongues whin dey see dis young eens?”

“Whit wye?” I axed.

“Weel, mind Olina is a Terrie Mittens trow. Aabody kens dey hiv afo ill laek babies. Wir bairns could say onything aboot dem,” said Meenie rubbin her claas nervously.

Meenie wis richt. Olina herself is nae oil pentin. She’s een o yon trows wi a third eye in her broo. Her skin is as coorse an dry as a paet an her nose is snirled laek dir is a guff aboot her. Her hair is laek a craa’s nest an her green claas ir enoch tae turn your stamach. Whit laek wid her bairns be?

“I doot wir best tae say nothin,” I advised. “Onywye, dey might tak eftir da weel laek Truncherfaece side o da faimily.”

So we set aff wi a spring in wir claas tae meet da new twins. We hed twartree hansels. Meenie proodly kerried a hap dat she’d spent monts maakin.
“Wid du no need twa o yon haps, Mam?”  axed Uggledlugs.

“Eftir da monts A’m spent makkin dis een dey’ll hae tae mak do wi happin da bairns tagidder in dis een,” said Meenie kinda disgruntled.

“At least wi hae twa silver spoons,” said Gutteryaggle as she skipped ahead.
Taedir met wis aa at da mooth o dir howe an led wis in. “Da peerie tings ir sleepin an Olina is blyde o da chance tae pit her claas up,” he whispered.
“Hadd your wheesht bairns,” I said as we aa followed Taedir in an set wis doon.

Olina sat aside da fire wi tree tired laek een. But bein Olina she wis still as lichtsome as iver.

Da fower bairns crept ower an gaddered aboot da cradle. As dey glowered in each o dem gied a peerie gasp. Dat wis aa dat wis needed tae mak dem baith sprech an roar.

Olina lifted een an I took da idder. Weel, whit can I say. Dey hed Truncherfaece lugs, but no much idder. Dey hed a gret muckle third een in dir foreheads an lirkit, coorse skin dat lay in faalds aboot dir neck an broo.
An green claas joost laek Olina’s. Hit wis ony dir hair dat could help tell dem apairt.

Olina held wan wi joost twartree hairs on da croon o his head. “Dis is wir peerie boy,” she said ower his sprechs.

So I hed da peerie lass wi a head o hair laek a craa’s nest. “I can seen du has dy midder’s fine tick hair,” I said tactfully as she gret even looder.

Olina got organised tae feed dem. Da silence wis sudden an much needed. Dey sookit laek hungry caddy lambs til dey wir swittlin foo. Baith o dem wir nearly faain asoond whin Gutteryaggle jamp tae her feet.

“Mind aboot da hansels,” she said hockin da silver spoons oot o her pinafore pocket.

Gutteryaggle leaned ower da peerie lass on my lap tae shaa her da spoons. I couldna believe hit when she gied a gret gummy smile. “Yon’ll be wind,” I said afore Gutteryaggle got ower excited.

“Na, na,” said Taedir proodly. “Terrie Mitten babies ir kent for bein weel advanced.”

An wi dat da peerie boy gied a sneester dat med wis aa gaff. Olina gaffed til she wis nearly twafald.

“Whit does du tink we should caa da bairns?” axed Taedir. I lookit at dir third een an snirled noses an held my tongue.

Whit wid you caa dem?  If you hae ony suggestions I can ey pass dem on.

Tushie Truncherfaece x