Past Life: Letter to the Editor

From Shetland Life, November 1984, No.49

WIR Cooncil niver seems tae mak much haedwye wi dir development plans so I tocht I wid drap you a line aboot a gude live bisniss proposition dat I’m heard aboot. Hit seems tae be a most splendid bisniss an I hae nae doot du’ll tak a lively interest in it. Im sent a letter tae wir Director o Development aboot it an I tocht you wid laek tae ken aboot it tu. Da Cooncil shurely his plenty o money an I wis hoopin dit dey wid soobscribe tae da formation o dis new company.

Dir’s various places aroond Shetland noo lyin empty fur wan raeson ir anidder. Fur instance, startin at da Sooth end o da Isles we hae yun Virkie Terminal. Dan at da Quandale junction wi hae yun Industrial Site dan at Broonies Taing dir’s yun gret empty oil base. At Lerrick dir’s da Hayfield Hotel and da Inchcape Base. Aa dis is lyin empty whin you’re gyaan at biggin “industrial sites” at, nae doot, gret expense an lakely naebudy tae pit athin dem.

Da oabject o da company is tae operate a gret big Cat Ranch athin Shetland whaur laund can be purchased chaep fur dis purpose. I see yun isle o Vaila is fur sale – dat wid be a fine place tae start operations becase dir’s a gret big mansion hoose dere dit da Cooncil man cood bide in ir mibee da soothmoother, dat wid obviously hae tae be brocht up tae run it aa, cood bide dere tu.

Tae start we, we waant aboot a hunder thoosand cats. Every cat a’ll shorley average aboot twa ketlins a year. Da skins run fae 50p for da Tabbie eens tae £2.50 fur da pure blacks.

Dis wid gee wis 12,000,000 skins a year tae sell at an average price o £1.50 each making wir revenue aboot £4930 a day. Noo a man can skin 33 cats a day at aboot £8 a day an it’ll tak a hunder men, ir weemin, tae run da Ranch so da profit wid be £4130 a day.

We’ll feed da cats apu rats and we can start a Rat Ranch as weel. Yun Hayfield Hotel wid du tae start wis aff. Da rats multiply fower times is fast as da cats. If we started wi 100,000 rats we wid hae fower rats tae a cat a day and dan we’ll feed da rats apu da carcases o da cats dit we’re already taen da skins fae, geeing each rat wan wharter o a cat.

So, du sees, da bisniss is self-supportin an automatic aa da wye troo. Da cats’ll aet da rats and da rats ill aet da cats and we’ll get da skins.
So lat me ken as shune as du can becis dirs a lok o fokk interested becase dae want tae git rich whick.

Yun’s aa eenoo,


P.S. Eventually we’ll cross da cats wi snakes, an dan dae’ll skin demsells twice a year and dat’ll save da man’s pey fur skinnin an also we’ll git twa skins. Distance nae problem idder becase we hae plenty o airports aroond eenoo. – T.


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