15th November 2018
Established 1872. Online since 1996.

Tochts fae Tushie Truncherfaece

Cheerio for eenoo . . .

Weel, dis day has been a lang time in comin. For fower year A’m been tellin you my tochts an news ivery mont. Noo da time has come for me tae step oot o da limelight. Laek aa celebs A’m needin a grain o paece.
Meenie has been on at me for a start noo. She says A’m gittin far ower familiar wi humans an dir wyes. “A traditional trow keeps himsel tae himsel,” she’s telt me aften enoch. “Du should be blate aroond humans,” she says. Me, blate? Hiv you heard da laek?

But as you ken fine weel, Meenie ey manages tae persuade me her wye o tinkin is da best wye. Dere is laekly some truth in da fact dat we’d better keep some things aboot da trowie wirld secret. I widna laek tae think A’m gaein ower much awa so I’d better hadd my wheest for a start.

I hoop A’m geen you twartree gaffs alang da wye. Some monts A‘m mebbe no been in da best o lays but I widna be a real trow if I wisna kinda crabbit back an fore.

Some monts A’m been fairt I wid hae naethin tae tell you. But dere’s ey been something dat happened dat I could trootle aboot. You’ll mebbe mind da onkerry dis Up Helly A’ when Meenie telt wis da history o her soup spoon? Whit a sook in we aa got when we fan oot hit wis a piece o jewellery fae Viking times dat wis used tae clean oot a viking’s lug. Gadge! Soup has niver tasted da sam in wir howe.

An dis year A’m hed twartree firsts an aa. Herd tae believe at my age! Wir first iver Chinese kerry-oot wis an experience A’ll niver forgit. A’m niver been yon stentit afore. An my first iver haircut wis memorable an aa. Thankfully my tick hair an beard has growen back in time tae keep me warm in aa dis snaa.

Twartree events hiv got me tinkin back tae when I wis a peerie trow centuries ago. When yon Icelandic volcano gied aff an groonded aa da planes, I could mind da first time hit gied aff in 1821 laek hit wis yisterday. Less a less, for sicca ess!

Den da Hamefarin browt guid news fae da faimily o wan o da ony human freends A’m iver med. I wis da blyde tae hear dat when da press gang took Jeemie in 1803 he survived fechtin for da navy. He lived a guid life in America an telt his faimily aa aboot da peerie trowie freend he med in Shetland. No muckle maks me greet but dat did.

Een o da best things aboot bein da wirld’s ony journalist trow has been sharin da funs we hae in wir undergroond howe wi wir faimily. Meenie an me ir very prood o wir bairns. Sometimes dey mak my head dirl but I wid niver be athoot dem.
But dunna you worry aboot missin Muttontief, Uggledlugs, Snurtysleeves an Gutteryaggle. Dey ir ey oot an aboot, you joost hae tae keep an eye oot for ony signs o dir trowie mischief.

If onything gengs missin you can mebbe blame Muttontief, he’s kent for his trowie tiefin skills. An we ir da prood o hoo Uggledlugs an Snurtysleeves hiv come on wi dir trowie tricks. If a peerie trow jumps oot an gies you a gluff hit could aesy be wan o dem. Den dere’s wir Gutteryaggle, wir peerie trowie princess wha can mak an aggle or a steer in nae time ava. So if you come apon an unexpected steer or clatch she might aesy be tae blame. Yis, trows ir aboot aa da time, you joost hae tae look oot for da signs.

An dunna worry aboot Meenie an me. We hae twartree hunder year left in wis yit. If you miss wis use your lugs. Listen weel enoch an you’ll mebbe hear da skirls an sneesters o wis on a hill somewhaar near you. Wir niver far awa.

Cheerio for eenoo,

Tushie Truncherfaece
xxx